For Posterity


In 2011 a life changing, monumental shift cracked wide open my world.  As a writer and a blogger I knew it would just be a matter of time before I would be ready to share my story.  Until now it has always been too raw, too emotional.  But eight years have passed and for posterity… here it is.

In the late spring of 2010 my mother’s breast cancer returned.  This time it moved quickly and within five weeks she was gone.   As I sat along side her hospital bed, little could I ever imagine that I would be diagnosed with this same deadly disease just eight months later.   In February 2011, down the rabbit hole I fell.

Surgery determined that my type of breast cancer was extremely aggressive and my  tumor was large.  I went through fifteen months of chemotherapy, and twenty-five rounds of radiation. I still continue with conjunctive medication, regular testing and follow ups with my oncologist and my surgeon.

Thankfully with the passing of years the raw terrifying details of this experience have clouded over. Now when I have a strange pain in my back or headache my first thoughts don’t immediately run to something worst. I have forgotten those waves of panic imaging my own death. I now assume that I will still be here next year.

My chemotherapy was horrible and I experienced every one of the usual side effects and more: blood clots in my legs and the roots of my teeth dying. But, would it surprise you to learn that the one most difficult aspect of the whole rotten experience was losing my hair?

Alopecia was inevitable with my type of chemo drugs.  I had been warned and I tried to be prepared. I purchased a number of bright scarves, sassy hats. My big purchase was an expensive wig very close in cut and colour to my own hair at that time. The wig manufacturer called this particular style of wig: “The Samantha” which was supposed to be a fun reference to Sex in the City. “Not!”. It looked ridiculous on me. It felt even worst.  I felt like a fraud.  I booked an appointment for Samantha and me with my hairdresser.   Oh dear. I made it tough for Rachael that day as I sat in her chair completely overcome; tears streaming down my face. She snipped and fussed trying to make my stupid wig look a little more like me.

The day I actually lost was my was peaceful and personal.  Two weeks after my first chemo treatment, Warren and I took a mid- week, day trip up to our cottage. It was late April and no one was around. The over casted sky was thick and grey and a strong wind whipped the still leafless trees. I remember this well.  Warren took the car  to run into town and I sat outside on the steps. Everything was still and quiet except for the sound of spring birds. I felt the emptiness like a vacuum. No one was around for miles.

At one-point wind tousled my hair and while smoothing in back in place I noticed several strands of hair caught between my fingers. This was the start. Combing my fingers through again and again, more hair slipped away. Loose strands floated up to be caught by the wind. I watched them lift high and disappear. There was no mess. No pile in the grass. It all just flew away into that gray morning air. Maybe the birds would use it to build their nests. This felt reassuring. In a matter of minutes, I was bald. It’s funny how cold and bare the skin on my head felt with that wind.

Everyone said that hair loss would be rough. They were quite right. It was actually harder than I had imagined and I’m a pretty confident person. It was not a vanity thing. NO. It was that my disease was visible now. Everyone, even total strangers passing me on the sidewalk could see that I was gravely ill. My odd baldness was a symbol of dead and disease. I stood out. I looked unhealthy.

The summer of 2011 was hot. I was off work. Every morning I would take Molly our Irish Wolf Hound for a long walk or when nausea, diarrhea or extreme fatigue were an issue I would sit for hours in a living room chair doing nothing. Molly was such a great companion. Dogs know. She was so loving and patient that summer.
I never ended up wearing the Samantha wig. Not once. No big surprise. When I went out in public my to-go covering was a simple beige cotton cap. Sure, you could clearly see the bare immediately above my ears but I stopped caring. The new normal. Sometimes when I could catch my reflection in a window or mirror, I couldn’t help but think of Sinead O’Connor or maybe I was more like Uncle Fester from the Addams family with my puffy steroid red face and glassy eyes. I was just glad that work colleagues couldn’t see me.

As my chemo treatments continued that summer, I eventually lost my eye lashes, eye brows, the hair inside my nose and all body hair. Ending on a positive note – I was a slippery sea lion in the shower. Imagine the time you would save if you didn’t have to blow dry and style your hair. You save a lot of money too. That part was pretty cool.

These memories feel like a life time ago. It was on a little break between chemo and the start of my radiation that Warren and I visited the County. We stayed at the Merrill Inn and accidentally discovered our current beautiful home. It was up for sale. We made our escape permanent. Desperate times require you to cease the moment. My life now is rich and I’m healthy again. (Oooo….I still hate to declare that. Am I taunting the fates? Its like saying Beetlejuice three times). But sometimes we need to be reminded of the past to truly appreciate how wonderful our lives are today. These times are a gift.

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Quiet has many moods.


The following is a beautiful, treasured paragraph taken from Katrina Kenison’s book “Magical Journey: An Apprenticeship in Contentment”

 

Quiet has many moods.

When our kids are home,

their energy is palpable.

Even when they’re upstairs sleeping

I can sense them,

can feel the house filling with their presence,

expanding like a sail billowed with air.

I love the dawn stillness of a house full of sleepers,

love knowing that within these walls our entire family is contained and safe,

reunited,

our stable four-sided shape resurrected.

But those days are the exception now,

not the norm

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Stewardship


 

We didn’t hear a thing.  I was almost down to the water before I clued in. I found it unusually bright, as if a mythical giant has reached down and pinched off a corner of the horizon, letting in too much light.  The forest canopy had changed.  The space now felt too open and exposed.  My brain struggled to comprehend…. Awwww……the enormous black willow tree was gone from the sky.

I hurried forward as if there was an emergency; as if I could help.   But no.  Everything was silent now.  The November storm long gone.  Only its violent destruction remained.    What a wild battle it must have been with the howling lake winds battering that massive centenarian.  The end came with a final thundering crash.

The remains lay sprawled across the lawn.  The tree trunk slashed open revealing decayed wooded marrow.  Fanning out from this are several colossal limbs, heavy and lifeless.  There are hundreds of fractured branches and twigs scattering about.

The carnage is unbelievable. How will we ever clean this up?  I am over whelmed.  This is the third wonderful old tree to come down on the property this year.    It is an end of an era as each of these trees has been over a hundred years old.

trees

I’m puzzled over my reaction. For several days now I have felt bruised and ineffective. The same thoughts tumble around.  Change, loss, extinction.  Is this just a natural transition or is the spirit of my woodlot dying?  It will take several generations to replace these mighty trees.  Not within my future; probably not within my child’s life time.  If true be told, nothing that magnificent will ever grow there again.

tree with owls

The local arborist has been called.  One thousand dollars to cut up the truck and strategically arrange the huge stumps in a natural fashion.  This is on top of last month’s bill for three hundred dollars to shred up the old maple on our front yard.  We can’t afford to have the wood hauled away.  A local farmer has agreed to take the branches.  He is the same guy who took our maple last month.

trees2

trees4

The future – I’m going to invest some time and energy into our woodlot this spring.  It is time.  On both sides of the property the woods continue.  It is a vital link down to the water and home to many wild animals and birds. 

In preparation I have already order over a hundred sprouts: white cedar, white pine, balsam and aspen to be delivered in April.  The forest floor will need some work before the planting.  Something must be done about all of the wild prickly bramble and vines.  They will choke out any new growth if not bush hogged away.  I would like to clear away some more fallen logs before planting as well.
trees5

We are the stewardsof this property.  It is our responsibility to leave it healthy and thriving.

trees3

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Libby’s Guest Blog


And now for something a little different and hopefully not annoying 

Since Libby, our Brittany Spaniel has been such an amazing and adaptable dog on our trip, she is being rewarded with the opportunity to tell her side of the story. Here goes…..

Hi there. Libby here.  Today we are in Sudbury, Ontario. It is pouring rain outside our RV.  

I am on guard duty right now;  standing in my usual spot up on top of the dash, watching for other dogs to walk past. Then, I am required to bark until Diane and Warren are alerted and start to bark too. So busy

My impression of this trip?  Well, it has been a life changer. It is hard to imagine now but three months ago I hated to drive in the car.  I had never swam in a lake or been sailing out at sea.  I have learned to adapt. Now I just take each new day as it comes.  Every day is an adventure 

To summarize, here are the best parts and a few low points.

I hate life on a leash.  As much as I yank and pull and drag Diane down into every roadside ditch, she still insists I be tied up

I’m not too keen on boating and deep water.   I have learned to swim out of necessarily.  It is very fortunate that Diane had the foresight to put be in a ridiculous dog life preserver.  I escaped and jumped over board while we were out in the ocean picking up crab pots.  Boy, that salt water really stings my eyes! 

  
Most awkward incident on the trip: 

I had very bad diarrhea while out on our over night boat trip.  We were far from shore and it was night time.   Jeesh!   What is a dog suppose to do? Diane wanted me to release myself up on deck. Come on?   That wasn’t going to happen. So I exploded a few dozen times that night in my lower berth.  I just couldn’t help it.  We have decided to never talk about that night again. Ever! 

The good parts of this adventure:

I have met new friends. In particular there was an amazing Jack Russell on Haida Gwaii named Dawson. He was really something special. He was inspiring;  a sea dog who thrived on adventure. 

  
Haida Gwaii was the absolute best part of this amazing holiday. I loved running incrediably fast across miles and miles of empty sandy beach.   I had never felt so free or fit. It was magnificent 

  
The hunting and sniffing on this trip have been out of this world.  The variety!  It changes every day. Sometimes I detect deer and bear. The next day it can be sea life or  moose.  While in an RV park there are countless scents of other dogs and burnt marshmallows.  I’m talking quality sniffing everywhere I go.

Another part of life on the road that I love is the physical closeness of living in an RV with  Diane and Warren.  We eat, drive and sleep all together. With the exception of the three ferry rides we have never been apart for over three months.  It has been a dream come true. 

 Life on the road is the best. 

  

Posted in Things my mother taught me | 4 Comments

Photos from Haida Gwaii


  

Our campsite is right on the waters edge. This is obviously Inside the RV looking out on the beach. You can see their orange skiff through our window. IThe tide is out.  

 
This is a photo of their large sail boat which Keith built and they use for adventure kayak mothership tours

 How stunning, right? 

Taken right from their property 

Stay tuned.  I will keep you posted,  (literally.  Ha ha)

Musings from the road

Diane

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OMG Crazy Adventure Time Has Begun


She wants to take me out in the skiff with the dogs to tie out the crab pots.  Say what?  That sounds just crazy dangerous. Doesn’t it? 

We have arrived in Haida Gwaii and life is quite different here. 

First impressions:  It is stunningly beautiful. Our RV is parked right beside the water’s edge.  The tide comes in. The tide goes out. It is equally beautiful either way.  Strong gold grasses contrast with the bright green sea weed and rusty red rock. 

We are visiting an old friend of Warren’s, whom he has shared a passion for building hot rods since they were both thirteen years old. The boys (Warren and Keith) are at it again, spending long days planning, dreaming and welding together a new project.  I only see them at dinner when they come in with their  greasy black hands, still talking cars. 

Fortunately I am spending my days with a delightful and fascinating women – Barb, Keith’s wife. 

Barb is a textile artist.  Last fall when she was visiting us we drove out to a farm on Morrison Point and purchased two large bags of ‘raw’ sheep’s wool.  Barb has since transformed these into gorgeous mounds of fluffy blues and greens.  Last night my job was to continue to pick out stubborn pieces of straw and seeds and pull the strands apart. Barb sat at her loom and spun.  Two strands will be combined and the wool will soon be ready for use.  I’m going to get some of it and try to knit myself a hat.  Oh I hope I don’t embarrass myself.  My knitting skills are terrible, but isn’t this whole process so cool?  I can’t wait to get started.

Backing my story up abit, I should explain that our friends live full time in Queen Charlotte City, Haida Gwaii.  Their stunning home is right on the edge of a quite cove, surrounding by ocean and mountains. 

 Keith and Barb are both certified Captains and for many years have run kayak mothership adventure tours of Haida Gwaii. 

 The ferry boat trip over here on Sunday night was short and uneventful. We boarded the boat at 8 pm; said good night to Libby in the RV and we went off to our berth. The boat sailed from Prince Rupert at 10 pm. Our room was very comfortable with bath and we both had a sound night’s sleep. We were awoken at 7 am by the change in the ship’s motor. It was docking and we had arrived at the port of Skidegate by 7 am. Our friends live just 10 minutes down the road in Queen Charlotte City. 
 It is day three on the islands but we have already done a lot. There are many artists on the island so I have visited a few galleries. Barb is super active/fit so she has had me hiking up mountain trails through moss / fern covered towering forests and chased our crazy dogs over miles of empty beaches. Every which way you look is a breathtaking vista and because the weather here is so mild and moderate the flowers are lovely and lush. 
 There are no bugs on Haida Gwaii. No need for screens on the windows. Doors are left open for the dogs 
 I think a real boat trip 4 or 5 days up the coast is scheduled for next week and of course some salmon fishing, smoking and canning. 
  
 It is all heaven 

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Visual Memories of the Alaska Inner Passage 


  

A land locked native village along the coast with countless bald eagles perched in the fir trees and soaring overhead    

 Warren watching the beautiful scenery float by 
  

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